Lokesh Shan
On September 29, 2020 no sooner had I learnt of the declaration of the JKCCE 2020 results than I scuppered to find my rank on the final list. My hands were trembling. I was sure I would be on the final list, but between an aspirant and an officer was just a pdf, which I was not able to access as the website was busy. Finally, someone known to me sent the PDF to my sister. My sister opened the PDF and staidly said that my name was not in it. I asked her to recheck. She nodded in the negative.
How could it be? I was so sure. I had overcome so many obstacles and mental pressures to reach the interview stage. My whole world shattered before my eyes. I could not move from where I sat for two hours. It was a double shock for me, as I had been appointed as Health Inspector in Government Medical College, Doda, my home district, and I had never ever thought that I would do the job. I thought that this job was not for me. Moreover, I had never lived away from my family.
Finally, the day came when I had to pack my bags and leave Jammu for Doda, where I would spend the next 2 years and 8 months moulding my ego into acceptance. I did not know how I could survive there. The COVID was in full grip, and like many, I was so fearful of the pandemic. And now I had to cook for myself, which till today has been an uphill task for me. I only knew how to make tea. My fear of heights was another major problem. And now I was at the mercy of skilful bus drivers of Jammu to Doda route who were adept in making those four wheelers run along the edges of roads adjoining the rotary river Chenab.
I was not ready to accept my fate. Time and again, it occured to me that I haven’t had the chance living to my full potential yet. I would not be able to live upto my expectations while doing a job not befitting my potential. But my support system managed to keep my wits under control. My mother advised that one ought to respect even the puny little benefaction that accrues to us by virtue of our merit and hard work. Moreover, there are thousands of people who dream of such a job.
With time, the denial dissipated. The days turned into weeks and months. I made good friends with the staff. One of the colleagues became my rakhi sister. Slowly, steadily, and subconsciously, I came to terms with the new job. I was earning a decent amount. I tried to do the best I could with what I was assigned with. But in a due course of time a torpor enveloped me and a sense of monotony drained the zealousness out that I had initially accumulated over a period of time. .Like most of the aspirants, I started browsing Social Media for long hours. Many a time, I would wake up way past midnight musing about my future goals. I realised that although I had accepted my fate with full humility and thanked God for whatever was bestowed upon me, I had not reached my full potential. My purpose now was to upend this situation.
So, I decided to mend my actions. But unfortunately, time and again, I slipped into the same morass which I was trying to get an easy escape from. Hence it dawned on me that only small, sustained and resolute efforts can end this predicament for me. I could correlate this thought with the Japanese concept of Wabi Sabi, which means the world is full of imperfections and we have to accept them in order to get better. A dialogue in Kung Fu Panda captured my newfound acceptance: “There is no secret ingredient.” So instead of undertaking a swift and dramatic turn, I decided to slowly change my routine. I did a SWOT analysis and worked on my shortcomings. The aspirant in me, who earlier found it difficult to live without his family, was now not ready to go back home. Sometimes I would visit my family after three months.
After the publication of the mains’ date sheet, I went all guns blazing into studying mode. I went to Jammu for the exams. Despite the air of uncertainty that hung over the conduct of examinations, I pulled up my socks and prepared with utmost integrity and hard work. In the meantime, I had gone back to Doda. And one fine day, when the doubts regarding the examinations cleared up, I redoubled my efforts to fine-tune my preparation strategy. At that point, everyone was stressed and tensed. But I kept my calm. Everything else was surrendered to the God’s will.
My failures made me realise the importance of acceptance. A man surely can mould his destiny. But beyond a point, it is God’s or nature’s will that works. If we accept reality, our ship will sail smoothly howsoever choppy the weather may turn. And sometimes, if you are not able to get something, it is for your own good. Acceptance of people, things and situations turned out to be a great spiritual learning for me. I became more tolerant and positive.
On January 19, 2023, JKPSC conducted the last interview of JKCCE. I called my sister and told her that the results would be out within a week. Then I went to sleep. And in my slumber, the same day, my uncle called me and said that I had qualified the exam. And, out of the blues, I thought it was a dream. It was way past midnight. And then I could help but draw a comparison with that gloomy night of September 20, 2020. At that time, I was shocked, but now, more than happiness, there was a relief, a satisfaction. The relief of finally summiting the difficult mountain which I had embarked on after completing my graduation some six years ago.
The failure of 2020 became rank 41 of 2023. But I think I was ready to face the opposite as well. It would have been tough, but as I said earlier, sometimes if God does not fulfil your wish, it is for your own good. Moreover, in this competitive spree, every aspirant has his paths charted out with dexterity and everyone follows his own pace and destiny. Everyone is unique.
But did I reach where I wanted to be? Not Yet. As Paulo Coelho says in The Alchemist, I am still in search of my ‘Personal legend’. God knows whether I will achieve it, but what matters the most is that I try, I fail, I try, I fail, and the process continues unabated.
(The author is JK Accounts Services Probationer)
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